BY ROBERT MOODIE AND KATE WOODS
The new ‘Yes means Yes’ law that was passed in California in August is about young adults giving verbal or very clear non-verbal consent to sexual activity. Universities in California are now required to teach students why an affirmative ‘Yes’ is important and what non-verbal consent looks like. Students who are drugged or intoxicated are not eligible to give any consent to sex and university officials and police are to ask what stages of consent were established.
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ROBERT MOODIE
I remember when sex was supposed to be spontaneous, passionate and fun. What happened?
With the new bill in California, colleges and universities that receive state funding must adopt a policy of “affirmative consent” or risk losing that funding. Affirmative consent is something that happens before any kind of sexual congress is made. In the words of the bill, this means the word “yes” must be uttered, or very clear non-verbal signs like leaning into one’s partner. Sounds simple, right?
What the bill doesn’t take into consideration is one rather small, easily missed detail: human sex doesn’t work like that.
Imagine for a moment that you’re with somebody you’re really into. You’ve had a great time and from the looks of things, you’re going to end the night with a bang. Just when things are about to get steamy, your partner stops. “Oh, wait a second. Is this really okay? Can we continue?” They haven’t even kissed you yet.
Now some clothes have found their way to the floor and your partner stops again. “Hey, uh, are you really sure you want to do this?” They won’t even touch you before a nod.
Now things are heating up, their hands are on you and you’re starting to get into it. “Sorry, are you really sure we can do this?” The constant interruptions put you off and you roll over. Affirmative consent.
This new policy is in no way related to the reality of sex and human relationships. It’s a devious plan hatched in the minds of reptiles that call themselves feminists, which demonizes the sexuality of both men and women in the name of protecting people from sexual assault. This plan will frustrate unsuspecting men with police pounding on the door after an otherwise normal encounter and frustrate women because they won’t be able to find a man willing to risk jail time just to get laid. Passion is going to die a slow death, and it will die in the courtroom instead of the bedroom.
A skit on Chappelle’s Show once centred on Dave Chappelle about to spend the night with a lady friend. Before things get out of hand, he turns over and produces a stack of papers instead of a condom: the Lover’s Contract. He insists this woman must agree to the terms and conditions of their up-and-coming encounter and sign her name here, here and here.
I never thought I’d live to see the day where comedy and parody would become reality.
KATE WOODS
My hope for this new law is that it will make people (not just men) think twice before spiking someone’s drink or trying to get someone so drunk that they will say ‘yes’ to sex.
When I first read that consent could be something as simple as “leaning in” to the other person, I immediately thought “Um, won’t that be taken out of context?” but after reading more about it, it’s explained that each person must consent at every stage of an encounter. A ‘yes’ to a kiss does not count as a ‘yes’ to sexual intercourse.
Officials reporting to the scene of a rape incident must now ask whether both parties had a conscious and voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity, as opposed to asking a victim how forcefully they said “no.”
Another great thing about this law is that universities now HAVE to talk about how consent is mandatory and what proper non-verbal consent looks like, to all students, both male and female. I really hope this will help young adults want to talk about sex and what they actually like in bed. Aaah communication: the sex and dating world will greatly benefit from that simple act of looking into another person’s eyes and talking about what makes them happy… in the way of physical intimacy, but that’s always a big scare for a lot of people.
Think of where this could lead, not just in safe sex in college, but relationships in general. I can’t tell you how many couples I know who NEVER talk about their problems in the relationship or in the bedroom. Then they get into a huge fight, they say things they don’t mean and they break up and lose a great person in their life, all because of lack of COMMUNICATION!
But that’s not what’s important about this law, it’s just a happy bonus prize. The important thing is that now people will talk about sex, what they actually want and don’t want and hopefully there will be fewer sexual assaults and rapes at the college parties we all love to go to.
I’m glad this law is in effect, and I hope more states, and eventually Canada, will soon establish a law like this, not just to better our fun with hooking up with a random person and having an awesome one-night fling, but also to make our relationships healthier.
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Comments
16 responses to “Can one little word help stop campus sex assaults?”
Well done Sheridan Sun!
Consent is a major topic that requires attention at Sheridan and schools all over Canada. You managed to find a great straw-man to put up against a well rounded opinion piece.
Kate Woods, I tip my hat to your well rounded and coherent piece. If you are looking for a more risqué or sexy way of approaching this subject I recommend interview sex workers and BDSM practitioners. Their insights into consent are mind blowing and could provide a good “fun” vibe to a feature length article.
Mr. Moodie, I am disappointed you didn’t find the cost of implementing this law and the invasion of privacy it could have worthy of adding to your argument. There are many situations where asking for sexual contact can heighten sexual encounters and I would say you built a shaky argument around this. You did a good job of sounding like a young Men’s Rights Advocate, but if you wish to support this perspective you need harder facts to support your claims and multiple talking points. A solid three is a good base to work on, focus on one you have a good chance of defending and then add the others for emotional and popular appeal. It is a hard argument to make and you are going to take a lot of heat for it. Don’t become discouraged from writing about stuff like this. Every voice has value.
As a former journalism student, I am aghast that Robert Moodie could have such judgmental beliefs on a topic that is a fundamental right. Journalists are supposed to be objective and consider every angle of the story. Perhaps an angle (and the obvious answer) would be that you would not need written consent as well as asking “Can I please insert ___ into ____” every five seconds. Anyone who has had a loving or even civil sexual interaction knows this. It’s all about stopping when someone asks to stop. Taking physical and verbal cues. Knowing when to draw the line. Trust me, if they’re having fun, you will know.
Things like this made me wish that we had a class where we discussed things like feminism and rape culture and other social issues. There are clearly a body of students who show no interest (or have no education) in learning about these important values that would contribute to their well-roundedness as a writer or a decent human being.
I remember one time in the newsroom, a guy who I won’t mention uttered a word that was offensive to women (hint: starts with a C) and myself and several peers immediately called him out on his misogyny. I was happy that my peers, male and female, took offence to this. So why is this misogyny now being featured in The Sun?
What Robert and his fellow MRA members need to realize is that not every female who is having a sexual encounter will accuse their partner of rape. If you actually did some research on this topic (like every good journalist should), then you’d realize that only 2% of rapes in Canada are false reports. What you might not know is that 1 in 4 North American women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Or that only 6 out of 100 sexual assaults are reported to police out of fear. All because of rape culture, like Robert and through extension the Sun is perpetrating. Also, feminists are not lizards. Those who view them as such are snakes.
I am shocked that the team behind the Sheridan Sun allowed this pro-MRA psychobabble to be published. I am so disappointed. Our year busted our asses trying to make misogyny and sexual assaults a known issue throughout the school and this just put it all to shame.
Did I try my best and write stories that changed lives at The Sun? No, I was focused on starting a public relations career. But I still would never stoop to writing something as uneducated and baffling such as this. Read up on rape culture, Robert. It might just change your mind.
One of my favourite teachers at Sheridan College told me it was dangerous to write opinion articles… as young writers it’s more than likely we don’t have the intelligence to form coherent, rational thoughts that would convince readers of our own opinions.
“It’s a devious plan hatched in the minds of reptiles that call themselves feminists, which demonizes the sexuality of both men and women in the name of protecting people from sexual assault. ”
not even close to what a feminist does… but A+ on the site traffic, haha.
Before we unleash the kraken to hunt and destroy Robert Moodie’s reputation, I wonder if he was simply tasked with writing a column against the topic by some higher up who planned the for-and-against layout for this page of news. Perhaps as a student of the journalism program, this was simply an assignment handed out to him. I therefore beseech the lynch mob to be prudent in this matter.
Hey Ataftoti. This topic was a joint idea by Kate and I. The idea of a “for-and-against”-style piece was that of a student editor, but we chose the topic on our own. I don’t want people to give the impression that stories are forced on students.
For everybody else, thanks for writing to us. I encourage everybody to write a letter to the editor (no more than 250 words, include your name) to Editor at sheridan.sun@sheridancollege.ca
Dear SheridanSun,
I do not think it is okay to have Robert Moodie’s opinion represent the opinion of males. His opinion is his own, and it is shallow and uneducated.
That is all.
As a man in the dating scene, I can say that I ask for consent often. Sometimes your partner is very happy to be doing exercise A with you, but exercise B isn’t really in their plans. Even if it IS in their plans, people find it both sexy and considerate for you to gain consent! Asking 7 times will not affect the mood if good communication is already happening, but being told ‘No’ would certainly sober you up to what your partners’ expectations for the date are.
You know what also kills the mood in the bedroom? Being afraid of being raped.
This is the most unrealistic depiction of human sex I’ve ever read. Having someone take a moment to check up on your wants and needs is not offputting at all, it’s a considerate and normal part of sex. How are you going to know what your partner wants if you never talk about it? And besides, enthusiastically expressing consent is one of…. the most…. classic signs of having passionate awesome sex? Saying (or shouting) yes, or verbally expressing in some way that you’re into it?
Finding a man who’s “willing to risk jail time” sounds like a fucking nightmare. I, for one, would be trying to find a man who wouldn’t be risking jail time – because he understood what consent meant knew how to confirm it in the bedroom. In fact, I would never sleep with someone who didn’t.
If someone is feeling fearful that this law would mean they’d be able to have sex, there’s probably very good reason for it.
The only people who will get less sex if people followed these rules are rapists, men who coerce women into having sex with them through manipulation.
So so disappointed that this article about the very serious and real issue of rampant sexual assault on college campuses is being presented as a debate with two sides by the Sheridan Sun.
Hello Robert. I am a lizard who has asked my human to type this out for me. I would just like to say that I think you’re right. This new law will totally ruin my sex life because since I am incapable of speech I will no longer be able to have any sex. My human owner likes it because now there are less blurred lines between sex and assault in a court of law. This goes both ways you know – men are protected too. And before you object, yes, it does happen. Anyways this lizard feminist has to go have some awesome consensual sex with a total hottie. Good luck getting any in the future.
I might be one of the few; but I’m a female on Roberts side.
I’ve been to one of these “classes” & let me tell you, it’s not your average safe sex seminar. Remember those awful Safe Sex assembly’s and classes we took in Highschool? where the diagnosis is very real of STI, AIDs, etc. but when teaching others about the dangers of sex, hasn’t it always been noticed it’s better learned without the element of fear? Saying if you have unprotected sex you’ll get dangerously sick, die or have a baby Vs. hey guys! You can still have sex, just remember no glove, no love. Remember which one pissed you off less? Better yet, do remember which one gave you anxieties about being with someone you lust or love?
Now we’ve entered the next level of “safe sex” to borderline helmet wearing. We’re not dumb. We know yes means yes and no means no. Having a mandatory class about it doesn’t “cure” the date rape issue. People still have unprotected sex and people still rape and harass. And every case is different, there’s no 100% proof wether of not it was consensual like proof sticking out like a herpes sore. Has a woman ever claimed rape because of jealousy or vengeance, yet gave full YES consent at the time? I’d believe it. Sounds like another thing to be scared of.
i can’t remember the last time I asked a man before going down wether it was ok. Not so funny if I was a man saying that, huh? Most of these classes end with the moral of “boys; stop raping women & girls; be afraid, a man could rape you even if you think you love him.” And if it wasn’t the instructors giving you this impression, it was the 20 other people in the room.
Does anyone honestly think one of these classes will change the mind of this rapist character? I believe these classes should be only for those people, because you know who really gets hit hard with the message? Men who’d never want to hurt a fly. They suddenly get into the bedroom and fear if they have to change the positioning of their hips, it’s time to ask for the 7th time if it’s ok to keep going. I know this because I’ve lived it, and by the 4th time being asked, I’m already so over it’s well.
So, no. I don’t believe this is bringing better, more or even healthier communication into the bedroom; only fear.
Great article and debate!
If you feel your partner is asking too many times – tell them so! Assure them that don’t need to ask; that if you don’t like something, you’ll tell them. That’s also a form of affirmative consent. It’s also good communication. Your partner is never going to know what you want or need unless you make it known.
No one rule is ever going to satisfy the needs of 100% of people. If this particular regulation seems excessive to you, then there’s no reason for you or your partner to feel like you need to ask fifty times in one encounter if things are ‘okay’.
If it makes your partner feel better to do so, you have two options; be understanding and put up with being asked more than you personally feel is necessary, or don’t sleep with them.
Robert,
I find it disturbing that you think asking if someone is agreeable to what you are doing is going to ruin the mood. It’s as simple as asking ‘are you into this?’ ‘do you want to move this to the bed?’ Hell, it’s as straightforward as someone leaning in to your touch, which yes, /is/ as simple as it sounds.
This law has absolutely nothing to do with destroying passion. It is about protecting people from sexual assault, it is about ensuring that if someone is raped while drugged, or intoxicated, that no one can claim they consented. It is about ensuring that a kiss an one point in the evening does not constitute sex later, and no one in court can claim as much. And it is to ensure that if someone is crying and pushing away during sex the argument ‘well, they never said /stop/’ can never be used.
And how dare you call feminists reptiles. Last I checked wanting equality between the sexes was not something to be vilified. Wanting a law that requires affirmative consent demonizes no ones sexuality, all it is asking is that you pay attention to whether your partner is returning your actions with enthusiasm and that if they aren’t- maybe you ought to ask if they’re okay.
Kate Woods,
I heartily agree with your statements! Having communication on both sides of the party will certainly lead to safer sex, and maybe happier sex. Instead of guessing what your partner/or potential one night of affection wants, asking “hey do you want to ______?” can certainly easily establish if they are interested in whatever you have to offer.
Robert Moodie,
I am disappointed that you find clear consent to sex “a devious plan hatched in the minds of reptiles that call themselves feminists”. Sounds to me like you don’t want men and women to be protected from sexual assault and/or rape. I’m disappointed that you think that sex with consent might be, dare I say, boring and awful. Remind me to never go to a party you are attending, because I don’t want you to mistake my non-verbal body language as a “yes” instead of the “no” coming out of my mouth.
You don’t have to completely upset the mood to achieve affirmative consent. Heaven forbid two people speak to each other during sex.
Affirmative consent can be as simple as asking your partner if they like something you’re doing. A simple, “You like that?” or “You want me to ___?” can actually be really sexy, if said in the right tone. and, guess what! A positive response to those questions is affirmative consent!
If you feel the need to pause a sexual encounter multiple times, it should only be because either you or your partner looks or seems uncomfortable. If you or your partner have to pause and ask a few times, maybe the mood SHOULD be ruined. Someone is obviously not enjoying themselves as much as they want to believe they are.
If that concept is too difficult to employ, consider not having sex. Maybe you’re not quite as ready for it as you want to be.
Dear Robert Moodie,
Thank you for your inspiring and progressive take on a very serious subject. I never realized just how hard it is to get consent from a person, when you’re both so clearly in the mood.
But in all seriousness, if a partner is asking you all of these questions while things are getting oh so hot and steamy, things probably aren’t actually getting all that hot and steamy. In fact, if your partner is asking you if things are “ok” that many times, things probably are not “ok”. In the end, your partner probably just doesn’t want to do it with you.
And I know that that is such a difficult thing to wrap your head around, but to be quite honest, if you’re having sexual relations with reptiles then I personally think, and science may back me up on this, that that relationship is probably going to be very one sided.
But for serious, for sure this time; Out of all of the times you`re asked a yes or no question in a day, why is it so horrible if one slips into the bedroom? Does it waste your time? Well, here`s a little factoid. It takes less than a second to say yes and no in the majority of languages, including English. Not to mention how easy it should be to tell if somebody is reacting positively or negatively to your smooth moves. And if you mistake a gesture or two, and slip up, just apologize! Very few things are ever as intricate or awkward as the scenario that you wrote about, especially when all it takes are a few one syllable words to defuse the situation.
In short; Robert Moodie, I think these programs could probably do you some good. I think it would also help your case if you sat down and took a feminism class at this fine school of ours, and learnt that feminists aren’t just reptiles, but some of them are people too!
Thanks for your time,
Bobert Mooby
I’m sorry. I know it must be so inconvenient for you to be interrupted during sex to continuously ask your partner if he/she is okay. I know that it must really light out the spark of passion you probably had going beforehand. I can’t imagine how difficult and annoying that must be for you.
You know what else is really inconvenient for someone? Getting raped. Yeah, that really sucks. That really kills the mood. I’d say a few seconds of “is this okay?” is worth the inconvenience. I’d say a few seconds of “are you sure?” is better than someone getting raped or assaulted and being emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives.
Or maybe you should just stop sleeping with “reptiles”, that would solve your problem too.
Better yet, maybe you should actually have sex with someone and realize that asking for their consent isn’t the big problem you make it out to be.